Starting Off Dead Awkward
Always sucked at romance, mate. Saw that title about saying “I love you” proper-like in England and figured, right, need actual proof, not just fancy theory. Grabbed me notebook, pen, and sheer bloody courage. Walked out the door thinking “How hard can whispering sweet nothings be?”
Tried the obvious first. Stood outside my local corner shop near Regent’s Park last Tuesday. Old Mrs Jenkins from number 42 wobbled out clutching her milk. Panicked. Just blurted “LOVE YOU MRS J!” loud as a foghorn. She froze, stared like I’d sprouted tentacles, then muttered “Good Lord” and shuffled off double-quick. Scratched that right out the book. Turns out shouting declarations at pensioners? Proper weird.
Testing Different Phrases
Next afternoon, hit the pub. Important research, yeah? Watched blokes chatting up their birds near the darts board. Noticed nobody actually says the full “I love you” like the films. More like mumbled stuff into their pint. Braced meself. Tapped Baz, my regular drinking buddy, on the shoulder after his third lager. Leaned in real close and whispered “You’re bloody brilliant, mate”. He choked on his crisps, went red as a postbox, then punched me arm shouting “PISS OFF YA MAD GIT!” while grinning ear to ear. Right. Note to self:
- “You’re bloody brilliant” = solid for mates. Don’t whisper it though. Sounds dodgy.
- Punch afterwards = mandatory.
Location Matters Too
Tested different spots like a mad scientist. Saturday at Borough Market? Bought a posh cheese tart for Jen, the flower stall girl I fancy. Handed it over saying “Thought you’d like this, gorgeous”. Got a proper beaming smile and free tulips. Nice. Later, same line near Tower Hill to some City bloke in a £2000 suit? He just sniffed and checked his Rolex. So:
- Food markets = top spots for compliments.
- Finance districts? Might as well talk to a brick wall.
By Sunday, felt like a proper social nutter. Tried “Fancy you a lot” on me neighbour walking his crusty bulldog. Dog barked, neighbour just grunted “Cheers”. Guess what worked better? A freeming smile and “Alright?” at the bus driver. Got a “Lovely day, ain’t it love?” back. Realised English “I love you” ain’t usually three words. It’s hidden in:
- That soggy biscuit dunked in tea your mate hands you without asking.
- Your nan telling you your haircut’s “interesting” instead of terrible.
- A grunted “safe home” after the pub.
Still single, mind. But at least now I know shouting “LOVE YOU” at strangers makes you look proper unhinged. Stick to “you’re alright” and biscuits.
