Got invited to a Cleveland Guardians game last month by my buddy Mike. Thought it’d be fun until we saw two drunk dudes screaming near the beer stand. One guy spilled his drink on the other’s jersey, and next thing you know, they’re chest-bumping like angry bears. Mike’s already puffing up ready to jump in – terrible idea. Grabbed his elbow and hauled him toward section 112 real quick.
How I Dodged The Mess
First thing I did? Changed our damn seats. Walked straight to guest services, lied through my teeth about “migraines from loud noises.” They moved us from rowdy left field to the family section near first base. Cost me $20 extra but worth every penny – way fewer people chugging whiskey there.
Second move: played invisible. When some boozy fan started ranting about the ump’s strike call behind us, I stared dead ahead at the pitcher like he was curing cancer. Didn’t nod, didn’t smirk, didn’t even blink sideways. That guy eventually wandered off to bother someone else.
Mike Almost Blew It
Seventh inning stretch, Mike decides to buy nachos. Comes back steaming because some dude cut the line. “Yo, wanna say something to him?” Nope. Fed him distraction tacos. Pulled out my phone showing ridiculous memes while shoving a loaded tortilla chip in his mouth. Crisis buried under guacamole.
Exit Strategy Matters
Fireworks end, crowds swarm the stairs. Saw two groups already shoving near Gate C. Waited 20 extra minutes just sipping flat Coke until security cleared most of it. Took the obscure exit by the team store instead – longer walk to parking lot but zero humans yelling.
Final score: Guardians lost 5-3. Personal win? Zero punches, zero police. Pro tips if you hate stadium fights:
- Never sit where alcohol flows like rivers
- Wear neutral team colors (I wore plain gray hoodie)
- Be the boring statue when chaos brews nearby
- Have emergency snacks for hothead friends
Baseball should be about hotdogs and bad calls, not black eyes. Next game I’m sitting in the nosebleeds – less beer, more peace.
