So yesterday I was scrolling through draft tweets, right? And it hit me – every expert’s shoveling those “late Day 2 or early Day 3” takes on Jermaine Burton. Like throwing wet paper towels at the wall hoping one sticks. Zero meat on the bone.
Pulled up my dusty combine spreadsheet around 10pm. Coffee brewing because this needed proper attention. Started plugging in his Bama/Tape numbers myself:
- Route trees? Straight-line burner pretending to be technician
- That Kentucky game where DBs treated him like sidewalk gum
- Hands catching like lobster claws in cold water
Noticed something funky comparing him to last year’s WR class. Took Chris Olave’s rookie card off my shelf – dude played at 189lbs. Burton’s combine paper says 196. Bull. Crap. Remembered watching Bama spring practice last month where he looked softer than my couch cushions.
The Realization
Brought it up in our fantasy group chat. Mike texts back “U still obsessing over that hands thing?” Damn right I am. Rewound his championship game drops. Four critical catches bounced off his chest like basketballs. Sent the clip to my buddy who scouts high school ball. His reply: “Lol teach that kid to make PB&J first.”
Called up Greg who works for a scout service. Asked straight up: “Why’s everyone dressing this turkey like a peacock?” Greg sighs: “Teams see the Bama logo and get hypnotized.”
That’s when I realized – Burton’s “round” ain’t about talent. It’s about NFL guys refusing to admit they got tricked by crimson jerseys. Fixed my spreadsheet to show his real comps: guys like Velus Jones Jr and Jalen Tolbert. Y’know – day-three special teamers with hands you wouldn’t trust catching car keys.
My Final Take
Plugged all data points into my dumb formula last night. Crunching numbers while my dog side-eyed me. Calculator spit out solid round 4 – if somebody gets drunk on combine speed numbers. Realistically? Round 5-6 and praying his ST coach carries holy water.
Why bother digging? Cause three years ago my fantasy league lost big trusting “Bama pedigree” on this exact profile. Drafted ArDarius Stewart in the third round thinking he’d save us. Guy got cut before Halloween.
Anyways. Coffee pot’s empty. Burger King wrappers piling up. Moral of the story? Turn off Mel Kiper’s hair and watch the damn film.
