My Fartass Style Experiment
Okay so yesterday I decided to test different fartass styles since my couch groove felt stale. Grabbed three cushions from my dumpster-dive haul last month – yeah I trash-pick decent stuff, fight me.
First tried Sprawled Starfish style. Flopped flat on my back, limbs everywhere like a passed-out octopus. Felt great for five minutes until my arm went numb. Had to wiggle like a flipped turtle to reach my beer. Verdict: Only works if you got servants.
Switched to Pretzel Slouch. Criss-cross applesauce but with one leg dangling off the sofa. Balanced my taco plate on the knee pit. Epic fail when salsa dripped on my sweatpants. Spent ten minutes scrubbing with wet wipes – not chill.
Finally nailed it with Lawnchair Recline. Stole my neighbor’s broken deck chair – missing two bolts but whatever. Leaned back at 45 degrees, propped feet on milk crates. Perfection! Hands-free phone browsing, easy chip access, zero effort adjustments. Didn’t move for three hours straight until my bladder screamed.
Here’s why Lawnchair wins:
- No numb buttcheeks
- Can still use both hands
- Snacks stay gravity-friendly
Almost ruined everything when Karen from next door spotted her chair. Hid behind curtains pretending I wasn’t home. Pro tip: Borrow stuff after dark.
Update today: Back hurts like hell but worth it. Still using the jacked chair. Might duct-tape the cracks later. Solid 10/10 fartass achievement.
